I've dealt with my step-mom for most of my life. since my parents got divorced when i was 3 to be exact.she's always been there. not in a helpful way.

i guess i sort of started to notice that she was mean when i was 10. she would always threaten to spank me and stuff. she's from texas so i never gave it any thought before then. but i had been getting the same empty threat since i was 6. i was done. so i told her she wouldn't and she slapped me. that was the last time i ever said anything like that again.

when i got my cell-phone around age 14 i used to call my mom to tell her good night. one night my step mom heard me on the phone and asked who i was talking to. she said it was time to go to bed. so i hung up and told her it was my mom. she looked me dead in the eyes and said "you don't need to talk to her when you're at my house" and so i told my mom and apparently that wasn't the first time i had mentioned that.

i noticed about a year ago that she's really controlling. she hovers over me when i do the dishes and she constantly cleans my room for me- she'll never just let it be.

at the beginning of the school year i noticed i had problems concentrating during class, constant headaches and stomach aches and difficulty sleeping at night so i went to see a therapist and a ton of doctors. nothing serious was wrong but i found out i have really bad a.d.d and idk a lot of other stuff plays into most of it but she would constantly fight me about the fact that she didn't think i needed to see my therapist. she said i didn't need to see her because i was a normal, happy, 15 year old girl. and i tried explaining to her that i wasn't happy and that i tried hurting myself.

that's when i noticed that it was always all about her. she would say things like "well i haven't done anything wrong so obviously you're upset about something else." or "it has nothing to do with me. it must be your mother."

i got sick of hearing it so i told my dad. and my dad would say "well she hasn't done anything" or "she's right it's not her fault."

but don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming my dad for anything. i've seen her hit him, push him and fight with him. (verbally not physically- my dad would never hit a woman) so i understand that she's just sort of brain washed him at this point.

recently i've been talking to my mom seriously about my custody agreement and i guess i'm just really stressed about it because on one hand i don't ever want to be here but on the other i know that i stay here to protect my dad. it's what i've always done. i'd never want to hurt him or lose him but i think it's time that i do what's best for me.

i'm sorry if this all seemed very chaotic and jumbled. i haven't been able to keep my thoughts straight, or chronological, for a while.

but this all depresses me because i don't want my dad to think that i don't love him. i don't want him to think that i prefer my mom over him. and i don't want him to think that he isn't important to me. but sometimes i need to do what's best for me.