|I'm not quite sure
how to start this email, but here goes.
I am a 16 year old teenager who lives in a foster home. Right there you should notice that my life isn't very 'perfect'. My dad is a heroin addict, and my mum was too - but she died in 2011. My younger brother lives in a behaviour home and my younger sister is quite close to being put in one. I am the more 'sane' and 'normal' of the three of us. I know that these small details aren't very relevant to my life or problems, but i thought it would help you understand me a little more.
My life was absolutely great, I had a boyfriend whom I adored at the time, my friends were wonderful, my 'family' were getting on better than normal, but then my mum died of liver failure. Ive written many stories about my mum's death, perfecting the detail a little more every time i write it. I explain about the 5am wake up call, the journey, the shock etc - you know how stories go. Anyway, i dont remember much from the rest of 2011. It seems like yesterday to be honest (she died on the 2nd of August - Aged 41).
So After a whole blurry year, my grades at school finally took a toll and went downhill extremely fast. My boyfriend and I no longer were together, and my friends... well still to this day I say 'what friends?'. I literally have one, and im afraid to tell her things in case she disowns me. I now have a new boyfriend, whom I have been together with for almost a year and cant see myself with anyone else. My dad doesnt ever see us, which is a shame because i know he suffers too. My school life is bare-able; I literally go to school, do work and come home. I dont speak to very many people, and the people I do speak to, they know nothing about the real me. I put on a show of happiness and smiles every single day, yet noone notices.
I dont think im writing this right, the other letters seem so, more to the point? I guess Im a little afraid of what my point is.
A few months back, well about a years a go, maybe 10 months - im not good with dates. Anyways; all my emotions ran at me and pushed me to the floor as hard as possible. I used to cut myself every single day, cry every single night in my bed, in the shower when no one was around to hear my pain. I would never sleep, i had insomnia, which was very generous to my art skills. So after a while, my life seemed so pointless, i was furious at everyone, everything! I didn't understand why I was so angry, I had persuaded myself that it wasnt about my mum. But it was... it is. I tried to kill myself, taking pills. I was so scared, but i knew it was the right thing to do because no one seemed to care anymore, I was losing hope. I had lost all sense of humanity, i felt emotionally dead already. So, because my foster parents found me in my bed hugging my teddy that my mum gave me the Christmas before, the zoomed me off the hospital. After that, I had counselors, nurses coming to see me everyday; prep talking me about life etc, and how important i was. It was all a bunch of shit. Sorry if that isn't appropriate. So they believed my stories about how ive changed, how i worship life, how i wont hurt myself again, how i love everyone... Urgh. It makes me sick. But hey, on the bright side- they went away and i could be alone :)
But now... I slipped up. I got caught Id cut myself in the shower a few nights ago. It was worse than the ones before, i had never made myself bleed before. Yeah, i had scratched and pulled hair and bit myself etc, anything that made me feel pain, but i was too afraid to see my own blood. I saw what my boyfriend had done, what my online friends had done, and i was so terrified for them. Anyway, my foster parent saw my cuts on New Years Eve, what a bloody coincidence eh? What a great way to finish 2012. So, we argued etc... and one of the things ill never forget that she said was 'why are you doing this? is it for attention - why are your status' on facebook so depressing? People are always asking whats wrong with you!.' - urgh. She actually asked if i was wanting attention! I wanted to punch her so hard. I care a lot for her, yes, but after that - i dont think i can look at her the same anymore. She said how the last time i moaned about her not noticing and how i made it clear that i was mad that she didnt notice, but after everything that happened the last time with everyone asking me the same old questions, coming into my personal space... I didnt want her to know because I didnt want any of that again. I wanted to be let alone. To be able to do what i want. with MY body, with MY life.
I guess I must sound like just any old teenager moaning about their parents etc, noone really cares about my story. Im just writing this story to get some anger out. LOL at me eh? just hope noone sees this. Lets hope this site is American or something haha. Anyways, the conclusion that I have came to is that no matter what anyone says, everyone has thei own individual problems and emotions and no matter how hard people try to understand, they wont... not completely. Even if you feel similar thoughts and emotions... they wont always be the same and not even family can help someone who doesnt want to accept help.
Just because poeple dont want to accept help doesnt mean that they dont want to get better, it just means that they would rather get better on their own terms, not because everyone else is saying thats what should happen.
I've said those words for years, I believe them so much, but noone else does. They don't care what I want even though they say that's all they care about... It sucks to be pushed around etc by people who are supposed to care for you.
There is no need to leave this earth sad and angry, leave it peacefully and satisfied. There is always someone who will believe in you, even if its not the person that you wish did, there is always someone.