I cut this morning at 2 am because things were simply too much. Anyways, I am no stranger to abuse. Me and my friend (who also cuts) are in college right now. Winter break will be over soon enough, so we will be on our own, living our own lives and creating our own families. That's the day I have been looking forward to since forever.
When I was 8 my parents split up. Huge fights between mom and dad, lying in court, and unfairness to my brothers and I, etc. We once got locked in our rooms at my dad's for hours. No bathroom or water. My brothers and I had windows in a triangle shape and we passed notes and the little candy I had hidden in my room. I remember the hold my dad would put on us. It was awful. I also remember his now-wife-then-girlfriend throwing my brother into the corner and kicking him. Things I wish I never went through.
Dad came to see us less and less... and eventually, even with the court order, he'd only come for holidays, even though he lived 20 mins away. But I hated going there. My brother and I would run away from him and lock ourselves in the bathroom. Once we were 14, we had the say in if we wanted to go to his house. My oldest brother got out of it the quickest.
I never really felt loved growing up. My friends up the street were more of a family to me than him. As I got older, nothing got better, except the fact that I didn't have to go to my dad's house, and I was big enough and old enough that he couldn't do anything. If we reported him though, we risked getting taken away from my mother.
I started cutting when I was a junior in high school. It wasn't a big thing at 1st, but then it got worse, and I was cutting every few days. Then near the end of the year my mom found out. She threatened to take me to the hospital if I didn't agree to see a therapist. So I agreed. But I never talked to the therapist about my cutting. I only went to see him twice before I made sure my schedule would conflict with our sessions - all because I hated him.
I didn't and don't have a good relationship with my mom. She doesn't listen. If I don't do what she asks, I am yelled at... yet if I do what she asks, I am still yelled at. And she constantly goes through my room so that I keep it clean, and I have to have password locks on my computer.
In the summer before senior year I cut less because it was getting harder to hide it. But when senior year came, I went back to it. My mom never knew that, but the family doctor knew I had cut. He asked once if I cut before my college check up and I lied and said no. I was cutting less, but he believed me. Actually he doesn't even say 'cutting'. He points to his wrist.
The same friend who is in college with me right now was like, "Try counseling. Just try it." So I went to some random workshops. At first I just wanted to see the inside of the place to make sure I felt safe, and then I started going. It's helped me a lot and I'd recommend it to anyone.
I have my good times and my bad times, but right now that's how it is. It also didn't help I lost my grandma in April. It was a complete shock. The next week we were supposed to be at her house. So my mom couldn't help me with things school, because she has been too busy dealing with estate crap with her brothers. Basically I've gotten left out. I have to listen to her crap, and if I ask her to stop telling me something about a family member, I get yelled at. But listening to it is no better.
I haven't told my therapist yet about my dad when I was younger. But I'm afraid to.
I've had my times where I wanted to die. I wanted to end it all. But I push through these thoughts. That's the easy way out. Instead, I have to fight and do the best I can. Soon enough, I will have my own life and I can control it and not have to deal with my mom and brothers and dad and family.