I was reading some of the
experiences of these young people and a couple of the
girls said that they couldn't wait to start their own
families and seemed to indicate that life would be
better. Having been a young person in a similar
upbringing and now being a mother, I wanted to give a
couple of ideas to caution those who are looking forward
Sometimes, if we are not careful, we can repeat what we
experienced in childhood. We may become like our parents
or we may marry an invalidating person because that is
what we know.
It is extremely important that you find a spouse who is
willing to work with you. You will most likely not find
someone who never invalidates you because that is the
society we live in but you can find someone who is
willing to take a closer look at his/her behavior and
take steps to change. If you are both willing to
"meet in the middle", both making changes in
yourself and both making allowances for other person to
make changes, then you will find deep and lasting joy.
However, remember that this comes at personal sacrifice
and after years of work and effort from both spouses.
Then you add in children (at the same time trying to
improve your marriage). O.k. as wonderful and amazing as
a baby is, I think you would be surprised to find how
stressful having children is. It is also the most
exhilarating, exasperating, overwhelming, joyful,
heartbreaking, and time consuming thing you will ever do.
I wouldn't change it for the world!!!
It is the most important work any human being can do and
yet there are no handbooks that accompany a child. You
will have situations that you never knew could occur. You
will have times when you are at a loss of knowing how to
help your child grow and learn what he/she needs to
learn. There will be people who your child allows to
influence them but that are less than honest or you feel
they do not have his/her best interests in mind. These
are the times and situations when you will find yourself
at a cross road of how you should behave or respond. You
will have a choice to act as you have been shown by your
parents OR act as other good examples have shown to you.
Sometimes you will find yourself doing things you swore
you would never do. At other times you will realize
afterward that you handled that situation really well.
You will have good days, weeks, months, years and bad
days, weeks, months, and years.
You will have times that your family really brings you
down and even depresses you but you still have children
that need you physically, emotionally, and in every other
way. You may think, "How can I give to her what I
never got?" It may seem impossible sometimes. BUT
IT'S NOT!! I promise. If you are religious, I encourage
you to turn to your religion for help and find people who
live your religion and have a family. Study and live your
religion to the best of your ability. If you aren't
religious find a set of principles to live by and a
person that lives those principles. Look at them for an
Find things you do well and focus on that. It's up to you
to decide whether or not to maintain and continue your
relationships with your parents/siblings. But I will tell
you that as I have learned and grown and changed, I have
increased my capability to handle invalidating people. I
have maintained those parent and sibling relationships
even though I have wanted to cut people off. Through it
all I have learned when I am reaching my limits and what
I can do to alleviate the pressure.
When I reach my limit of handling these delicate family
relationships, I take a step back. I take a break for a
week, a month, however long it takes for me to work
through the feelings and jump back in to deal with it
again. There can be benefits for you to continue having a
relationship with an invalidating person. There are two
kinds of people: People we learn things from through
positive experiences and people we learn from through
negative experiences. If nothing else, we can always
learn how we don't want to act.
Just remember, these people, your parents, will always be
with you - like it or not. You have to learn what you
want to do with that. You have to think ahead and
practice the ways you want to behave and respond long
before you ever bring a child into this world. When you
have a child you will want to give that baby the very
best you can.
It is proven that a baby needs his/her father in his/her
life daily! The best for your child, then, is for you to
marry a good and honest man who will make a living for
you to stay home with that child. It is always up to you
but if you ask most children what they would rather for
their home and upbringing, you will find that they wish
for both parents to be together and mom to be at home
Children don't say that they only want those things if
Mom and Dad are happy with it. We must be willing to
sacrifice what is necessary to give the best to our
children and it has nothing to do with making more money.
I encourage all young women to find true joy in serving
their children and learning the art of making a home. You
may not be really great at it at first but you will learn
and eventually you will find satisfaction with it. I have
been married for 14 years and a mother for 13 years. I
know what you can find in marriage and family.
I hope these things help. I have felt invalidated by my
family my whole life. Sometimes more than others. I have
learned many things from my family and my husband's
family. I have tried to eradicate their influence and I
have learned how to deal with them. I have also learned
when I have had enough for a while. As I began having
children, life got harder for a while. Then, as I stuck
with it, I began to feel better and more confident in
myself. It is my deep belief that all who are born are
here because they are strong.
Believe in who you are! You are a good person with deep
emotions. Really, you are the one to be envied. Those who
don't feel deeply, also don't love deeply. Good luck!